Serial Killer Smackdown #1

bundy and dahmer

No mucking about and no undercard. First week up, I’m going straight to the heavyweights!

TED BUNDY v JEFFREY DAHMER

Bundy was a charmer. He was handsome, charismatic, kind, and not long before the destruction started, he enrolled in University as a psych major. But the rejection from a former girlfriend saw it all go downhill very quickly…

Dahmer might rhyme with charmer but he was far from it. He was a loner, outcast, and homosexual to boot. Not that there’s anything wrong with that (sorry Seinfeld). But he had an appetite for flesh, bone, skulls, acid, sex and body parts…

This bout will go all the way folks. Here they come…

In the fake broken arm and strangled neck corner, beams the charming smile of Ted Bundy that could knock a young girl off her feet and into the back of his VW Bug. 36+ murders, 2 escapes, and death by execution.

In the cling-wrapped heart and acid-filled skull corner, his worthy adversary, Jeffrey Dahmer. A victim count of 17 boys, 7 skull artefacts, 0 escapes and death by prison beating.

Let’s get ready to rumble!

Round 1: Victims
Bundy targeted pretty young girls throughout the 1970’s. All white, between 15 and 25, and mostly college students. A cliché perhaps, but Ted was incredibly good at what he did. He lured them into a secluded area by feigning injury or authority, and the rest is history. The estimated victim count is at least 36, potentially more.

Dahmer killed 17 young boys and men, usually homosexual, between 1978 and 1991. Dahmer lured his victims from gay bars, either for sex, or for the promise of $50 to pose for nude photos.

Round winner: Bundy… just. At least twice the victims, that we know of, plus bonus points for using a wider range of ruses to lure victims into his car. Dahmer’s corner are not happy with that decision.

Round 2: Depravity
Out of Bundy’s 36 known victims he decapitated at least 12, and kept the severed heads in his apartment as mementos. Beats a snowglobe or keychain right? He also performed sexual acts with some of the corpses until they had rotted away and it was no longer possible.

Within seconds of the bell, Bundy has already been floored!

Dahmer sexually assaulted and killed boys, one as young as 13. He decapitated his victims, stripped the flesh, and stored body parts in his locker at work and throughout his apartment. He kept some of the victims hearts, biceps, thighs and other fleshy parts, wrapped in plastic bags for later consumption. We all keep leftovers, that’s just normal…

He preserved skulls and posed one dead body for nude photographs. His process of killing victims sometimes involved drilling a hole in their skull and filling it with muriatric acid. One victim horrifically woke up, and was conscious enough to walk and talk, before Dahmer eventually had some sense of mercy and finished the job.

How the hell do you get to that point in life Jeffrey? Come on…

Round winner: Dahmer by KO. He skinned and decapitated young boys, poured acid into their skulls, and consumed body parts. This wasn’t even close!

Round 3: Capture
Bundy was good. No fingerprints or other evidence left at crime scenes. His appearance was remarkably different in nearly every photo and he could alter his facial expressions while someone was talking to him and suddenly look like a different person. He knew how law enforcement worked and actively evaded it. He was ultimately caught in 1975 after a routine traffic stop. Such an anti-climactic end for such a ruthless killer.

But wait… he escaped in 1977. Oh, then he was caught again a week later. But he escaped a second time 6 months later. They finally caught him for good 2 months after that. He killed at least three girls during his escapes.

Dahmer allowed one of his victims to escape, who immediately alerted police and that was the end of it. They entered his apartment and it all became very clear that something was wrong. Dead bodies decomposing in a barrel of acid is a sure sign that things are not all rosy. There was a lame attempt by Jeff to resist arrest but he eventually went quietly, and confessed to everything.

Round winner: Bundy on points. Ted, you were caught 3 times but you managed to escape twice. Your initial effort to evade capture was better than Jeff who seemed to succumb pretty easily.

Overall Verdict: Bundy takes the belt on points. The overall depravity of what Dahmer did to his victims put him in with a real shot, but in my humble opinion, Bundy was more dangerous, more conniving, and a threat to more people. I also think Bundy would have represented a much greater threat to more people had both men not been captured when they were.

Dahmer’s corner are furious with the result! Let’s hope they don’t come at this writer with a drill and some muriatric acid…

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